hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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