I just pynch a tree in the face
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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