i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
