dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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