I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
