I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
