I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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