I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
