apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
