I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
