Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
