sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize