he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
