I wish I could teleport
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
