good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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