I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
