Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize