Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
