I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im holly from the hills drunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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