I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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