Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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