I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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