I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
