Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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