I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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