ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you would pick up someone in the library
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
