In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
