If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
