sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
