cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
