we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
