I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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