I need to stop coming to work sober
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
