FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
