Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
