For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
