his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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