??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
