we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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