You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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