You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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