Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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