2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
