3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
