Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
