You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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