can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
