Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
