it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
