I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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