3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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