when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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