You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
