Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
