not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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