Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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